It's over

Well my marriage is over. Seth told me he wanted a divorce on Dec 4th at midnight. I cried a lot. I still can't believe it's all over. I really did my best to make it work, but the lying, the irresponsibility, the fact that I could never really rely or trust him. It was just so hard. Hard to drag him kicking and screaming each step towards adulthood.

Of course there is another girl in the picture. Nice. Of course his cheating is justified in his mind. When people cheat on him that's bad. But when he cheats on me it's okay, because he already decided to divorce me.

I really believe that in about 6 months he is going to kick himself in the ass. See it helped when someone did the grocery shopping, made dinner most nights, paid the bills, kept him on track. He's got a very stressful semester coming up, he can't take any time off work, because he is going to be paying more in bills.

I'm sure he thinks this other girl is going to be wonderful and it will be different. But hey I'm sure like most girls she is going to want to get married and have kids at some point. I'm sure she will want help paying the bills if you move in together. She probably will want you to get a job and not just lay around playing video games all day. Sure it's easy and fun now, because there is no responsibilities involved, but I'm sure the same old problems will arise.

After 7 and 1/2 years together to not even work on things. I know he's lazy, but come on? All these times he said "I love you" and he was lying. It was like I never really knew him.

I thought he was at least decent person, but I guess not. And he is all hurt that I said I would never call him if I needed help. Why would I? I could barely get you to help me when we were married and I'm sure not going to ask for help now that we are separated.

I just want to move on. I have my pets. I'm making plans on what to do with my new life. I'm going to try and get help for my social anxiety and see if I can get out more in the world.

I doing okay, better than I thought. I guess never realized how much stress he was putting me through. Never knowing what was going to happen next. I feel sad that I will never be able to look over the past 8 years without this coloring my whole experience.

I'm sad that even if I meet a guy and it gets serious, I'll have this baggage. If we have kids, I have to explain that mommy was married before. I never really cared for divorce guys,because I always felt that if they could get married and couldn't work it out that there must be something wrong with them. Is that how all guys will see me?

Plus I'm not the prettiest girl in the world; I've already looked online to date and mostly every guy is a total loser. Who knows if I'll ever find someone again anyways. And even if I did I'm 31. I have to meet someone, date someone long enough to decide to marry them, get married try and have a kid. I pretty much have 0% chance of having a kid before 35. I really, really want to be a mom. It tears me up that I probably will never get to be a mom.

I guess I just have to find some purpose in life. I'm trying to stay positive and trying to move on the best I can.

Is my marriage over?

Seth has been ignoring me for weeks. I don't know what is going on. He won't talk to me. He doesn't touch me. Maybe he is sleeping with someone else. Fucking Crystal Meth.

I feel like it's always such a struggle for us. Maybe he never loved me anyways. Just settled for me, because he didn't think he could get anyone else. Now that I've helped rebuild his self esteem; he's going to dump me for someone else.

I think about killing myself all the time. I tried to live life. I really tried. But everyone just rejects me and I'm miserable all the time. So what's the point of still trying?

I just don't get him. He's so selfish. He drops me as soon as anyone else wants him.

Maybe I'll just get a hotel for a few days and take a break from everything. Take stock of my life. I don't have to worry about money for kids or a house or anything since I have husband who doesn't even notice that I exist.

Getting what I want

There's a new Kelly in town. This new Kelly gets what she wants. A new car? Sure thing. A baby? Absolutely.

Yep unless I get a job offer before then we are going to start trying in January. Very exciting stuff! Now it sounds crazy to start trying earlier when you don't have a job. But there it is. I just want to and can't wait any longer.

As Seth put it, if you are going to be underemployed then you might as well be pregnant. Otherwise I'm going to have all this downtime going to waste when it would be a perfect setup for a new mom.

Plus I'll be in my grace period for my student loans so I won't have that dragging me down.

Now it will be very tight, but maybe Seth can get some extra loans.

So tomorrow I have to go get prenatals.

Of course if I find a full time job before getting knocked up then the old plan still stands. And I'm going to try very hard to find a new job.

hoop jumper

So I bust my tail working on a grant proposal and Dr. Rodis is pissed because I didn't take notes during our discussion. WTF? Why do you care?

Second I get to the poison center and the new hire is all over my butt if I applied for jobs. No I didn't have time I was at the poison center all weekend, thank you very much!

Sigh is everyone up my ass or what? I feel like no matter what I do, I fail. No one is happy with anything. So I just give up. I have done the right thing; I've jumped through all the hoops put in front of me. For what? For nothing that's right nothing. I get nothing out of it. Oh sure they dangle this hope in front of you, but after jumping through all these hoops, I've got nothing. Oh sorry you graduated in the wrong place and the wrong year. You should have known that six years ago.

I don't even want much. My dream is to own my own house and have children. But it is time to let even simple dreams go. I will never be in a position to have children, I will never be able to afford our own home. It will always be a struggle to pay off this massive school debt, I've incurred for nothing.

I have no chance of being hired at this point. At best I will work for Joe for 7 hours a week and the rest at some menial job. Hopefully I'll make enough to pay my half of the bills and my student loan.

Why was I even born? To suffer mildly. Well does my suffering amuse you, God? All I want is a baby. I just want a baby and it kills me that I will never have one.

Anytime we get some money, it immediately vanishes into the void. The washer breaks, my car is broken into, my laptop is dying, our dryer catches on fire, a car is towed, our tax refund is taken to pay off some of Seth's debt.

I'm just done. I have fought the good fight, but for now I quit. I don't believe in good anymore. There is no sense in hoping things will get better they never will. Life is cruel and must just be endured. So I will endure and not hope anymore. Things will never get better, they will be bleak for all time. I've have given it my all and tried my best, but all I am is tired and broken hearted.

A Little Blue

I'm a little blue tonight. I went with Mom to take Evie to the zoo tonight. She is such a sweet little girl that I just felt sad. How I would love for her to be mine.

We are so, so, so fucking broke. It's no joke. I don't know what we're going to do this month. I'm not tapping into my savings. Nah I've bailed us out too many times to count. Seth spending his financial aid money likes it going out of style. So {YAWN} let him figure it out this time.

He wants to go on a trip to Alaska. I say okay, but we need to save money. Said it for months. Finally set up an account. He wants to go soon. I say okay, but you need to put money in there. Has he? No. Will he? Probably not. Then I'm not going to bother either jack and if he thinks our tax refund is going to pay for it. Sorry my half is going towards my car. Oh yes I did say half. I'm not blowing my tax refund on his brother for the 2nd year in a row. If it means no Alaska trip, oh nooos. Sure I'd love to go too, but if you can't be bothered to put aside any extra well I'm not going to stress out about it. Got too much on my plate to care.

Car is in shambles. Still runs though. Someone actually broke into it. Really amazed someone took the effort. No car radio. Need to get back window replaced. Husband's crazy ex-coworker slashed his tire. Tv broke.

Got my credit card balance onto a 0% credit card until December. Minimum payment went up. Not sure if I can swing it with my current salary. May not be able to put aside a monthly savings amount since I can't work much.

Christmas bonus probably cancelled. One of the few benefits about that place. Not sure who he thinks is going to work their ass off for 8.00 an hour with no benefits.

Sure would be nice to catch a break once in awhile. I would like to win $50,000 in the lottery this week. Make it so, God.

Still annoyed!

This is dumb, but I woke up today annoyed about something that doesn't even matter anymore. I can't believe that when we were discussing wedding dates and I mentioned us wanting to get married and June 2009. Then Stephanie gets engaged and what is the first thing she does? Sets a date a month before the date we are talking about. So rude.

But you know what? We moved our wedding date up and everything worked out fine. So why am I still annoyed? Blah!

waiting is the hardest part

1 year 10 months 22 days 11 hours 27 minutes

It's so long to wait! Too long to wait! It's so hard! Like a prison sentence and I haven't done anything wrong except be the unluckiest person on earth.

Everyone else gets a house and babies, but me. It's not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whine!!!!!!

Stephanie's mysterious message was about buying a house. Sigh of course, because god forbid they have to wait to have anything. Of course everything worked out perfectly for them as usual.

Meanwhile Seth and I are no closer to having anything as usual. It's so depressing that I just want to cry all day everyday until the magic day comes, but no I have to get up and work and fight and gnash my teeth towards something that probably will never ever happen. Because every time I make progress here comes broken this, have to have that, penalty this.

Now we have to use the money this time to get Seth a doctor's appointment. So unfair that I managed to get my doctor's appointments free, but he doesn't save so much a dollar for well anything.

So why bother at all? That's my feeling. Just once I want something to work out for us, but it never does. Never will.

I have my rotations for next year. I got one at Medco, which I'm really glad for. That's step 1 to getting a job there that has benefits and a schedule good for kids, which is a big step towards my goal in March 2012. I'm down to 152.8 lbs so hopefully I will get out of my 150s soon and that brings me closer to my weight loss goal.

My baby fund has $1187 dollars in it, but I seem to be stuck this month about adding any more to it. I guess $15 for Spring Break money and my usual $30. Kimberly-Clark is giving me the runaround about the check. I still need to close my one bank account out to get the money into my baby fund. Maybe I will do that now. I guess there will be a garage sale in the future. Moola is going slow. No birth control appointments until next month Haven't seen any research opportunities, haven't won anything worth selling. If I find my Fandango gift card I could put that up for sale. I won a Best Buy gift card that I could also sell when I get it.

la la la loser

Bummer I had a chance to win some decent money tonight if I picked the biggest upset in round 3 of the NCCA tournament, but of course their was a bigger upset than what I picked before the game in which I picked as the biggest upset even started. Of course the team I picked didn't win anyways, but it was very close. Just once I would love to catch a big break like that, but it's never happened for me.

Of course I have $50 going into my baby fund tomorrow, which puts me over $1000. Plus my ebay auction went well over what I expected at $197. Shipping was more than I expected at $24 dollars, but oh well. Still made a decent profit, which I can transfer over to the account.

The birth control research people are ticking me off as they switched to pre-paid debit cards. Ugh I want a check to put into my bank account not some fee-riddled crappy card. This makes it more difficult for me to transfer the money over. I guess I can buy Giant Eagle cards or something and use those to buy groceries/gas and then transfer the money over. Thankfully they gave me a check this time, but are unlikely to do so in the future.

The appointments for this anyways seem to be dwindling down, which means less money to put into my account. So now I need to come up with some other options to make some cash to put into the account and keep it growing. After all the sooner I save $9000, the sooner I will be able to start trying to conceive.

Seth and I are starting a new diet this Sunday. We signed up for our channel 10 weight loss challenge for the next 10 weeks and I'm determined to finally see the end of 150s. Between picking back up my running program, starting the wii fit program, and the flat belly diet; I'm hoping to drop a lot of weight over the next 10 weeks. Ideally I'd like to lose 15lbs total. This will put me in great shape for the summer and hopefully I will also run a 5K too.

Stephanie left a mysterious message on facebook this week. Of course I was all, OMG are you pregnant?, in my head. So now I have that weighing on me. I keep hoping that they won't have anymore kids until at least April of 2011 so that at least I will have less than a year until our TTC date. So please, please no pregnancies yet. I just don't think I can handle it until we are much closer to our own trying date. In fact I would prefer if their next kid came closer to our own child's date.

Ohh that reminds me that I was going to buy a fertility test once I got my student loans. I'm totally doing so right now.

Less than two years

It's now less than two years until we start trying for a baby. I was excited to cross that milestone, because it means that each day that I only have to go through that day one more time childless and not even trying for children.

My savings are going well. I'm almost at a $1000, which is great. I would be closer, but I've stupidly put all my important papers in a paper bag and I think Seth threw it out. Of course he would never admit this and I can't know for 100% sure. I wish he would just be honest with me so that I knew instead of searching all over the place for these papers, but I know he has no problems lying to me so I can't take his word for it either that he never saw those papers. Pretty dumb of me to put these papers in a bag, because it did look like trash. Sigh yet another disaster in the Jackson household.

Speaking of which, our dryer broke and we apparently need to buy a new television for our downstairs. It's hard to have company and no television. Of course I thought we would have a chance to fix it this week while they stayed with Seth's parents, but we found out when they arrived that they planned to spend two weeks with us. Ugh. They couldn't have figured this out in advance.

At least Adam's girlfriend is nice. It's weird to see him being all lovey. Kind of makes me laugh a little. She talks non-stop about her dad and apparently he pays for everything for her, which as someone who's been an adult for a long time is weird to me.

Kind of makes me miss those early days when Seth and I were so loving. I've really lost some respect for him over the years and he's broken my trust by lying to me. I just feel like all we do is wade through crap and we barely get through one thing before another hits us. I hate feeling like I can't trust him that I have to check up on him all the time, but everytime I trust him, he betrays that trust. So how can I trust him now? After seven years if he hasn't changed then why would I expect him to change now?

I feel like I'm such a low priority to him that he bends over backwards to please relative strangers, but won't go out of his way to please me. Like for my birthday and Valentine's day, he didn't even get me anything. Ok he finally showed up with a Valentine's gift when I was hurt he didn't get me anything and he did show up with a "gift" for my birthday a week late. A dvd he got out of the bargain bin. He whines about being broke again, but there is always a couple dollars to buy those fruity selzsers every day and he had no problem buying a dvd, because his friend wanted to see it. He can find the money for anyone else, but for me? Sorry I'm broke. Yet look how much money he is spending on his brother!

I guess I just don't get it. He supposely loves me, but he is unwilling to do anything on his own for our future. I already figured out that like everyone else I just can't count on him.

A sad day

Well we sort of worked things out. I told my husband how I really can't trust him that what he has been doing is not what I would have ever expected him to do and he looked really sad and then went off and played his video games.

We went to IKEA and yet again my husband tried to buy furniture that didn't match even though he knows how much I hate not having matching furniture. Also we spent way, way too much. But hey my husband has all this money so worries right?

I'm so fucking bitter. Everyone gets to be happy, but me. Everyone gets a baby, but me. Everyone works out and loses weight, but me. Everyone gets a hardworking husband who brings home the money, but me.

It just sucks to be surrounded by kids and babies and know that I will NEVER EVER get to have any of my own. I just know it. I never get anything that I want anyways.

I'm still so mad

I'm still just absolutely fuming. My husband has the gall to be give me the silent treatment. You screwed up, bub. Not me. I don't just randomly decide not to the pay the electric bill let you get a shut off notice, which you handle and then act like well everything worked out you have no right to be mad.

I can't believe that he knew he was paying the car late and never breathed a word of it to me. I always let him know what is going on with the bills I'm responsible for. These late payments can show up on my credit report. We need my good credit, because he has ruined his.

Can I ever trust him? No I can't. This pattern has been going on too long. He sees it as well it was one late payment no big deal. Yeah except you lied to me about your truck being repossed, you went to the hospital and just ignored the bill, you forgot to pay the cable bill, you had money for all this crap, but no money for bills until I put my foot down, he couldn't get a bank account, because of another problem, he overdrew our account twice. He said he was transferring money without mentioning that he was raiding our savings. Said he would get a job and didn't apply anywhere for two months, cause school is sooo hard, but frequently went out for expensive lunches that he was more than happy to let his wife pay for. Sigh goodbye everything I worked hard for. I think of all the times I went without to save, pay down my credit card so he can just come along and decide that he is too good to work. Lies, lies, lie and false promises is all I get out of him.

He's a big worthless baby and I want nothing to do with him anymore. Really I would be so relieved if he just left me. I could clean up his mess and just move forward with my life. Am I better off without him? Sorry but the answer is yes.

my husband is a fucking idiot

Once again after a busy day of being productive I come home to find a letter from citifinancial saying that our account is overdue. So I call them up and find out that my husband paid them two weeks late and the next payment is due in 4 days and I know he didn't pay it yet. So I agree to pay it over the phone since they said they would waive me the phone fee.

Of course it was a bunch of lies and they charged me the whole fee, the fucking crooks. So now I'm super pissed.

Oh and Seth and I haven't spoken in two days and I don't plan to speak to him again until he apologizes. I want my name off this car. And we clearly do not have money for a Chicago trip either so he needs to let his brother know. So I have to e-mail him.

I'm so so pissed right now. I'm really thinking that I have just had my fill of his shit and that I'm done. A reasonable person does not have to deal with this shit all the time.

keep going

We are dwindling down to 2 years until TTC. I only have 1 quarter left of classes. I picked out my rotations and I feel like I got some good ones that I'm excited about. Despite the 2010 snowpocolyse, the sun is shining now and I feel like Spring is on its way. So while snowed in at my mom's I found out that she is going to quit her full time job to watch my niece for free. So I was very excited; maybe we can move our TTC date up? But then I remembered; oh yeah, crappy childhood. Well actually my childhood was very nice except when I was alone with my mom. Still I was torn. She's so great with Evie. She was never cruel to me when I was that young as I can remember. I have a pretty good memory even at a young age. But then I think that's crazy to even think of risking exposing my child to someone that I cannot completely trust. Kind of like saying well this child molester never molested a 2 year old only 7 years old, so they would be okay to watch a 2 year old.

Thank goodness I wrote in my last diary that I would never trust her to be alone with my kids. I'm taking that to heart and am not moving up when we try for a baby. I'm not that desperate. But it does worry me that she is going to be my niece's full time caregiver; my brother did not have the same experiences I did? Do I give him and my sister-in-law a clearer heads up? Do I leave it alone? Would they even believe me? Am I being over-dramatic over a few minor instances? It would be so uncomfortable. Plus my mom's and our relationship has been the best it's ever been and I risk ruining that. But then when it comes to my niece's safety; I guess it will be worth it.

Good morning future perfect self.

I wake up to a baby crying. Paige our 9 month old has woken up early. Good thing it's my day off. My feet hit the floor as I make my way over to her room. I'm hoping she hasn't woken up Reed our 2 year old. Seth's alarm is about to go off in a few minutes to wake him for school, but he is still sound asleep. He teaches History at the local high school and is the assistance football coach so he won't be home until 6:30pm after practice is done.

I open Paige's bedroom door and she gives me a big smile from her crib. I've chosen a Snoopy themed baby room and it's so light and airy. Framed prints from Snoopy books line the walls and a Woodstock mobile hangs over her crib. She has the barest blond peach fuzz hair and wide blue eyes. I drink in her soft skin. I'm glad I don't have to work today, but I'm not sure what we are going to do today as it's supposed to rain. I suppose we can stay in and play, but Reed is so full of energy and I like getting out of the house.

I snuggle down into the glider, which is worth it's weight in gold to feed her. In the other room I heard Seth's alarm going off and he hits the snooze.

"Mommy?" I hear from the other room. The alarm may not have gotten my husband up, but it was effective to waking up my son. He pads into Paige's room