Well my spring quarter is wrapping up, but I'm feeling a little blue today. It just seems that I've run out of things to hope about. I didn't get the blogger position I applied for so there isn't extra money coming in. Joe hired a replacement for me so I'm not getting an extra day to work. He also had been talking about opening a store with me in West Jefferson, but then turns around and sends me an e-mail talking about how much he will miss me when I graduate.
I just feel that I've run out of steam. My credit card balance is going nowhere. My computer is a dead heap until I get my e-machine cd.
Seth still doesn't have a job yet and he made some talk about applying for some jobs, but I sort of feel like saying come talk to me when you have actually applied. At the rate he is applying for jobs, he is going to be unemployed for another year.
I guess I'm just sad that I'm not going to be a mom for a long time. I wish I had a husband who was willing to work harder to provide for a family. He goes on about how he is going to visit England or build an earthship and it's all I can take not to say, "Well it's never going to happen, because you float through life like a sad sack."
At least he was willing to cancel his big birthday shindig this year. I was expecting a battle on that.
There are so many people out there who treat their children like crap. Why do they get a baby and I don't? I work so hard for what? Anytime I so much gain an inch, life is right there to pull me back. I feel like I'm going nowhere.
I'm going to work two jobs after graduate. For what? To pay the bills and to pay my husband's $$$ tuition so that when he graduates he can be unemployed again, because he is unwilling to actually bust his butt to make sure he is employed. Then I'm going to be working two jobs to pay our student loans and he is going to come up with the genius idea that we should have a baby and he'll watch it. Yeah I can't wait to come home from my second job to find that you spent all day playing Lord of the Rings online while the baby lay in it's crib. Sure you got up and took of it when it cried, you know just after a "minute" just like when I ask you to let the dog out and it's just a "minute" and half an hour later the poor dog is groaning in agony, but he won't get off his fat lazy ass and walk the dog that he begged for and just had to have. And when I use the work 'walk', it's a subjective term, because a walk is to walk it 10 feet from our door and then he yells at the poor thing if he doesn't pee and poo in 3 minutes.
The longer he is unemployed the more I'm questioning, why I married this man? Why would I even consider having children with this man-child? Ever since I found out how expensive his last two years of school are going to be, I've been just getting more angry and depressed. The whole time he talked about going to school, I kept saying and you're going to work and you're going to work. He acted like I was crazy, of course I'm going to work. Well whose crazy now? He is barely applying anywhere and instead is talking about taking out more student loans. Ugh! You are 31 years old! You can't be taking out mad student loans. I feel guilty about the loans I'm going to have and I'm only going to be 31 when I graduate and will be making the salary to back it up. Now you want to rack up $80,000 in student loans and graduate with a teaching degree at 35?
The truth is I do love him. I'm just angry and hurt that he isn't doing everything in his power to help us reach our dreams. I am furious that I have to yet again push back being able to have a baby and yet he isn't doing what he needs to do to put us in a better position. I really resent that he wasn't willing to help finance my education, but basically expects me to cough up the money for him to go to Capitol without him doing anything.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
My husband the wrecking ball
So here I am actually letting myself be excited that I might finally get to have my dream of having children actually come true. I've been working hard to pay off my credit card debt so that I can start a maternity fund. I started exercising, going to doctors. All the years I worked to get into pharmacy school and actually getting through pharmacy school. I had a countdown page to day that I worked so hard for.
Well what an idiot I am! Of course nothing I ever want actually happens. A romantic proposal? Ha! Nope my idiot boyfriend proposes at my work, and he doesn't even bother to say anything like I don't know, "I love you." or something. "Hey you were going to break up with me if I didn't propose and I don't think I can do better so I bought you this ring. I wish you had let me buy a ring at Kohl's but instead I had to buy an oh so expensive ring that cost almost as much as a computer or a plane ticket to Alaska that I thought nothing of buying myself, but the cost of your engagement ring, I'm going to bitch about for two months. Even though you picked out an engagement ring in a price range that got me laughed out of several stores and I regularly spend more than that on myself in a single day without thinking about it, I'm still going to bitch about how poor I am, because it never occurred to me in the nearly 5 years of dating to actually set some money aside for your ring. Will you marry me?"
So now that I can actually see us trying for children in a little more than 2 years and he comes out with well I'm going for a 5 year program now. Really? You're days away from 31 and you want to do a 5 year program? So of course I'm devastated since it's bad enough that he decided to do this 4 year program. I sort of feel like saying "You know what dude? Too little, too late!". That's the consequences of sitting on your ass for four years and talking about going to school. Too bad there isn't a degree in that as you would have already graduated!
So now the 4 year program is back on as I basically had a melt down. Unfortunately the only 4 year teaching schools are private schools that cost an arm and a leg to go to. Of course this was a complete shock to Seth as he has done zero to none research about his program. Well naturally upon learning this news, he has immediately busted his ass trying to find a job so he can start saving up so money to help pay these expensive two years. Oh wait, he has applied to one job and forgot to pick up an application to another place twice, but he spent about 20 hours playing Lord of the Rings since then. Yeah nearly two months unemployed and he's applied to about 10 places. Ridiculous. You can whine about the economy all you want, but a magic genii isn't about to float down a rainbow and hand you a job on a silver platter. You can't get a job if you aren't applying anywhere. Of course anytime he gets any sort of positive feedback, he takes it as he has gotten the job immediately and stops applying for 3 weeks. I'm sorry, but I've been down this path before with him and it's just laziness. He only applys for a job or two if I nag him and then he stops. I end up resenting and not respecting him, because in my eyes a real man would be doing everything he can to take care of his family and he is just doing enough to get by without me getting mad at him.
Unfortunately we are heading for yet another what I like to call, "Come to Jesus talks" where I basically call him out on his bullshit. He apologizes and changes, which is promising, buuttt then he does something else where it just shows a lack of maturity. Really should I have to point out the obvious, which is you are 30 years old, you need to get a job, you need to apply for jobs to get one? I really shouldn't. You know what, mostly I'm tired. Tired of being the only grownup in the room.
He talks about having a house, a farm, an earthship, kids, but to him it's just talk. I actually want those things and I do everything I can to get it.
Well what an idiot I am! Of course nothing I ever want actually happens. A romantic proposal? Ha! Nope my idiot boyfriend proposes at my work, and he doesn't even bother to say anything like I don't know, "I love you." or something. "Hey you were going to break up with me if I didn't propose and I don't think I can do better so I bought you this ring. I wish you had let me buy a ring at Kohl's but instead I had to buy an oh so expensive ring that cost almost as much as a computer or a plane ticket to Alaska that I thought nothing of buying myself, but the cost of your engagement ring, I'm going to bitch about for two months. Even though you picked out an engagement ring in a price range that got me laughed out of several stores and I regularly spend more than that on myself in a single day without thinking about it, I'm still going to bitch about how poor I am, because it never occurred to me in the nearly 5 years of dating to actually set some money aside for your ring. Will you marry me?"
So now that I can actually see us trying for children in a little more than 2 years and he comes out with well I'm going for a 5 year program now. Really? You're days away from 31 and you want to do a 5 year program? So of course I'm devastated since it's bad enough that he decided to do this 4 year program. I sort of feel like saying "You know what dude? Too little, too late!". That's the consequences of sitting on your ass for four years and talking about going to school. Too bad there isn't a degree in that as you would have already graduated!
So now the 4 year program is back on as I basically had a melt down. Unfortunately the only 4 year teaching schools are private schools that cost an arm and a leg to go to. Of course this was a complete shock to Seth as he has done zero to none research about his program. Well naturally upon learning this news, he has immediately busted his ass trying to find a job so he can start saving up so money to help pay these expensive two years. Oh wait, he has applied to one job and forgot to pick up an application to another place twice, but he spent about 20 hours playing Lord of the Rings since then. Yeah nearly two months unemployed and he's applied to about 10 places. Ridiculous. You can whine about the economy all you want, but a magic genii isn't about to float down a rainbow and hand you a job on a silver platter. You can't get a job if you aren't applying anywhere. Of course anytime he gets any sort of positive feedback, he takes it as he has gotten the job immediately and stops applying for 3 weeks. I'm sorry, but I've been down this path before with him and it's just laziness. He only applys for a job or two if I nag him and then he stops. I end up resenting and not respecting him, because in my eyes a real man would be doing everything he can to take care of his family and he is just doing enough to get by without me getting mad at him.
Unfortunately we are heading for yet another what I like to call, "Come to Jesus talks" where I basically call him out on his bullshit. He apologizes and changes, which is promising, buuttt then he does something else where it just shows a lack of maturity. Really should I have to point out the obvious, which is you are 30 years old, you need to get a job, you need to apply for jobs to get one? I really shouldn't. You know what, mostly I'm tired. Tired of being the only grownup in the room.
He talks about having a house, a farm, an earthship, kids, but to him it's just talk. I actually want those things and I do everything I can to get it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)