Well fall quarter is over. It's so weird to me that I only have two quarters of pharmacy school left. Also it's weird that I'm 30 now. I guess I should grow up. Looking forward to my winter break. Hoping that I get a chance to reconnect with Seth. We've had such a rough year and I feel like there is such a distance between us. Yes I have been quite angry with him most of this year. I just realized that he did nothing for my 30th birthday not even a card. It makes me sad that he cares so little for me now that he couldn't be bothered to walk 30 feet from his department and spend $1.05 on me. Even I was able to get him something mostly because a gift card I won arrived.
Maybe it's stupid, but I still think about Josh Bratton often. Growing up I always felt like we were meant to be together and it's weird to me that it didn't work out. It's silly to make so much out of a little girl's crush, but we always got along so well. I used to get such energy just from talking to him. When he broke my heart, I think he really broke my faith in humanity and the world around me. Everything had gone so wrong for me up until that point.
Most people have at least some area that is a comfort for them, but I was so lonely growing up. I had no friends in school; people only spoke to me to make fun of me. My mom would come home everyday and just pick and pick at me; I could never do anything right. I had no talents; I did okay at school, okay at art, okay at sports, but was never really a superstar at anything. No teacher encouraged me, sometimes I would go whole days without even speaking. But even through all that I still had hope; no matter what happened to me I still got up everyday. I can't say I was always happy or smiley, but miserable? No I had dreams and no one could stop me!
But here one of the few who had always been nice to me and I thought cared about me and he used me. Then he was scared to be seen in public with me. I felt so betrayed! The one bright light in my life burned out and my heart grew cold. I got cynical about the world and kind of took a fuck it attitude about everything.
Maybe that's why I married Seth. Sure we have good times, but as far as building a future together? Probably wasn't the best choice. But for the first time in my whole life I had someone who loved me for who I was and I wasn't going to let that go.
So why do I still think about someone who hurt me so much? Maybe because I still want to go back to believing in people? Maybe I still want to have a good pure heart untainted and unphased by the pain that so many had pushed onto it. I feel like I can trust no one. Things are going well between Mom and me; occasionally I still have to remind her that I will not let her put her tear me down anymore like when I was younger, but I think she has finally accepted that. But do I trust her? No, how can I with our history? Even with seeing how loving she is with Evie, I would never let her watch my children alone. What if she hit them or was cruel with them like she was with me? I would kill her; I would absolutely go out of my mind. My husband? He took money out of our savings and claimed it was money he was putting in. He has lied to me so many times that I feel like I can never really count what he is saying as the truth.
Well I didn't mean to get into a diatribe on how everyone is mean to me. Poor, poor me. Lately I've been so angry at everyone lately and that isn't like me. I guess even I have my limits and a person can only take watching the dreams they worked so hard for slip away again and again. But I will once again wash away the disappointment and the hate and once again will I rise up and resist my fate. Hope is born again and despite what everyone is telling me, I believe that I can do anything. So no more anger and cruelty. Calm, kind, gracious Kelly will be born again. No longer will I let others behavior rule mine.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Bleak and dark and depressed
I had a dream that I was pregnant last night and I was so disappointed when I woke up. Really I've been depressed ever since. I'm hoping we can try in 2 years and 7 months, but that is so far away and honestly, I don't want to wait anymore. Not a year, not 6 months, not 1 month; I want to try now even if it's completely stupid. I've been waiting too long as it is; everyone else gets to have a baby except me.
I always give up everything that I want; I sacrifice all the time in hope for the greater good. Well what has that brought me? I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, I don't have anything to show for it. My life will always be a shit-hole so I might as well get what I want.
But then I think of how difficult our already horrible lives will be with a baby in and I know it makes sense to wait, but it's just so damn hard. I hate all women who are pregnant or have babies or small children and especially women who have several children. I hate women who are unmarried and pregnant or get pregnant by men they barely know or pregnant by men whom they are in a shitty relationship with.
There is a hole in my life right now. I know a baby won't fix things, but I know nothing in my life ever comes easy for me so I just know that we are going to face infertility too so the longer we wait; the longer we get to find out what our problems are and the less likely we will be able to overcome them. So not only will it take us 3 years to try, but I wonder how many months and years and miscarriages we will have to face before we even actually have a baby.
I keep counting down the years and months until we finally get to try and I think of all the Christmases and birthdays and Halloweens that we get to see our friends celebrate with their kids while we go without even a possibility of having one of our own and I feel like I can't breathe.
I'm never going to have children of my own. I'm at the bottom of a mountain looking up and if I reach the top we get to have a baby, but every time I start climbing up something or someone comes a long and pushes me right back down to the bottom. So I will always be here looking up and longing for a place that I fear I will never get to.
I always give up everything that I want; I sacrifice all the time in hope for the greater good. Well what has that brought me? I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, I don't have anything to show for it. My life will always be a shit-hole so I might as well get what I want.
But then I think of how difficult our already horrible lives will be with a baby in and I know it makes sense to wait, but it's just so damn hard. I hate all women who are pregnant or have babies or small children and especially women who have several children. I hate women who are unmarried and pregnant or get pregnant by men they barely know or pregnant by men whom they are in a shitty relationship with.
There is a hole in my life right now. I know a baby won't fix things, but I know nothing in my life ever comes easy for me so I just know that we are going to face infertility too so the longer we wait; the longer we get to find out what our problems are and the less likely we will be able to overcome them. So not only will it take us 3 years to try, but I wonder how many months and years and miscarriages we will have to face before we even actually have a baby.
I keep counting down the years and months until we finally get to try and I think of all the Christmases and birthdays and Halloweens that we get to see our friends celebrate with their kids while we go without even a possibility of having one of our own and I feel like I can't breathe.
I'm never going to have children of my own. I'm at the bottom of a mountain looking up and if I reach the top we get to have a baby, but every time I start climbing up something or someone comes a long and pushes me right back down to the bottom. So I will always be here looking up and longing for a place that I fear I will never get to.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I'm sitting here in my Mom's house. Haven't talked to Seth since yesterday evening. I kind of feel like we need a few days apart anyways. I'll see if he calls me, but I'm not going to call him. He got a job that is giving him hours and he is finally seeing how tough it is to work and go to school. He always kind of wrote me off when I was doing it, but it's tough. Now he is talking about quitting school to work at Giant Eagle full time. I guess when the going gets tough he quits.
We overdrew our account again. It kind of ticks me off that he doesn't put any money in the joint account and then turns around and spends $7 on a lunch for himself out of my money. Then he is all oh well I transferred a bunch of money in and I was like yeah you transfer enough money in to pay a bill; you didn't transfer any extra to pay for $7 lunches. Also how does he have an extra $150 laying around?
It just really sucks that I put my whole paycheck in the joint to pay bills and he puts his check in his individual account and transfer some over at his leisure. So I feel like I never know if I can count on his half of the bills. Of course when I called him out on this bullshit; he pipes up but I was gonna put my next checks into the joint account. Yeah I have a feeling you came to that decision the second I called you all pissed about you not putting money into the joint, but feeling free to spend it.
I feel so lost right now. I'm still pissed about his recent stint of unemployment, but it's like this pattern with him that has now become so obvious to me now. I thought he had changed, but it is so clear to me know that he hasn't changed. He still that guy who wouldn't do what it takes; who would rather just sit and let life happen to him. He talks and talks about all these things he is going to do, but never actually does them. He will only take action if I get angry with him and demand that he does so and then he makes some effort, but it's more to get me off his back then to move us towards our goals.
First year we dated he was unemployed and he barely applied anywhere and I can't even guess how many times, I heard the words "I think I have a job". While we dating, he makes this big announcement that he is going back to school. He tells his family, my family, friends and then he wouldn't go. I like my job is what he would say. But if his dad tried to advance his career then it was no, no I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. Then after dating for years, we start to talk about getting married and he makes a big announcement to our friends that he is going to buy a ring with his next paycheck and propose. Months go by and no proposal, no sign he is saving for a proposal and I start to think that it's time to leave. I always felt that if you dated someone for 5 years without an engagement or marriage that there was a reason for that. So my brother proposes to his girlfriend of a year and made the announcement to all my aunts, which is what I was picturing that summer he was supposed to propose. So I was hurt and angry that he didn't do what he shouted to a whole group of people and instead of getting my moment it went to someone else who in my mind didn't deserve it. So he is all uh-oh she's mad better scrape up a ring quick and even tried to blame it on me that I hadn't shown him rings I wanted, which was a lie as I had shown him several. So he tells me he is going to propose on my birthday; way to keep it a surprise fool. So he makes the lamest proposal in the history in the world. He put no thought into the proposal and bitched constantly about my ring's cost; very much a I don't want to do this, but this will shut you up. But things seem to get better and I put away my disappointment in my proposal. So we get married and I start to think of the future buying a house, having children and my husband should want to help me obtain these things by either advancing his career or returning to school. After asking him to make a decision, which was met by angry insolence; I finally talked to him again and he made the decision to go to school. But you have to work also. Yeah, yeah he says not really caring; it's school; it's fun like a vacation right. So he goes to school and it's a wake up call that it isn't fun and games. Well why should he have to work and go to school when we have these savings that he can use. So he doesn't really apply to many jobs unless I yell at him then suddenly he applied to a couple jobs.
So now he is going to school and working and I should be happy, but instead I'm left feeling like I just can't count on him. Do I really want to tie myself down further with a man who only wants to work a dead-end job, refuses to save any money, considers my money to be ours to share and his money to be used as he likes? The thing is I can't say what our future holds; I still willing to work on our marriage, but I just can't be the only one in this. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that we just aren't going to last. I've managed to drag him along this far, but I just don't have the energy to keep propelling us forward; I need him to help me; I need him to decide what he wants.
We overdrew our account again. It kind of ticks me off that he doesn't put any money in the joint account and then turns around and spends $7 on a lunch for himself out of my money. Then he is all oh well I transferred a bunch of money in and I was like yeah you transfer enough money in to pay a bill; you didn't transfer any extra to pay for $7 lunches. Also how does he have an extra $150 laying around?
It just really sucks that I put my whole paycheck in the joint to pay bills and he puts his check in his individual account and transfer some over at his leisure. So I feel like I never know if I can count on his half of the bills. Of course when I called him out on this bullshit; he pipes up but I was gonna put my next checks into the joint account. Yeah I have a feeling you came to that decision the second I called you all pissed about you not putting money into the joint, but feeling free to spend it.
I feel so lost right now. I'm still pissed about his recent stint of unemployment, but it's like this pattern with him that has now become so obvious to me now. I thought he had changed, but it is so clear to me know that he hasn't changed. He still that guy who wouldn't do what it takes; who would rather just sit and let life happen to him. He talks and talks about all these things he is going to do, but never actually does them. He will only take action if I get angry with him and demand that he does so and then he makes some effort, but it's more to get me off his back then to move us towards our goals.
First year we dated he was unemployed and he barely applied anywhere and I can't even guess how many times, I heard the words "I think I have a job". While we dating, he makes this big announcement that he is going back to school. He tells his family, my family, friends and then he wouldn't go. I like my job is what he would say. But if his dad tried to advance his career then it was no, no I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. Then after dating for years, we start to talk about getting married and he makes a big announcement to our friends that he is going to buy a ring with his next paycheck and propose. Months go by and no proposal, no sign he is saving for a proposal and I start to think that it's time to leave. I always felt that if you dated someone for 5 years without an engagement or marriage that there was a reason for that. So my brother proposes to his girlfriend of a year and made the announcement to all my aunts, which is what I was picturing that summer he was supposed to propose. So I was hurt and angry that he didn't do what he shouted to a whole group of people and instead of getting my moment it went to someone else who in my mind didn't deserve it. So he is all uh-oh she's mad better scrape up a ring quick and even tried to blame it on me that I hadn't shown him rings I wanted, which was a lie as I had shown him several. So he tells me he is going to propose on my birthday; way to keep it a surprise fool. So he makes the lamest proposal in the history in the world. He put no thought into the proposal and bitched constantly about my ring's cost; very much a I don't want to do this, but this will shut you up. But things seem to get better and I put away my disappointment in my proposal. So we get married and I start to think of the future buying a house, having children and my husband should want to help me obtain these things by either advancing his career or returning to school. After asking him to make a decision, which was met by angry insolence; I finally talked to him again and he made the decision to go to school. But you have to work also. Yeah, yeah he says not really caring; it's school; it's fun like a vacation right. So he goes to school and it's a wake up call that it isn't fun and games. Well why should he have to work and go to school when we have these savings that he can use. So he doesn't really apply to many jobs unless I yell at him then suddenly he applied to a couple jobs.
So now he is going to school and working and I should be happy, but instead I'm left feeling like I just can't count on him. Do I really want to tie myself down further with a man who only wants to work a dead-end job, refuses to save any money, considers my money to be ours to share and his money to be used as he likes? The thing is I can't say what our future holds; I still willing to work on our marriage, but I just can't be the only one in this. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that we just aren't going to last. I've managed to drag him along this far, but I just don't have the energy to keep propelling us forward; I need him to help me; I need him to decide what he wants.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
And crashing back down to Earth
So Seth's job is basically worthless. They only schedule him 15 hours and he only gets to work 8 of them as they send him home shortly after he arrives for his shift. He knows this is not working so he starting applying immediately.
Ha! Yeah right. That's now how my Seth operates. He called Giant Eagle and set up an interview. They gave him a second interview and told him they would call him. And he sat at home for two days waiting around not applying anywhere. Saturday BD's sent him home after two hours and he didn't apply anywhere before or after. Sunday they sent him home after 1 hour and he didn't apply anywhere before or after. Monday he actually had to work a whole shift; which he whined about how hard it is to be on your feet for 5 hours to someone who has to be on their feet for 8 hours. Didn't bother applying anywhere between school and work. Tuesday no work; done with school by 2pm didn't apply anywhere. Wednesday done with school by noon; didn't bother to apply anywhere (lied to me about applying Andersen's, but there is no way he did it today).
I don't know what to do. I tried asking nicely; I've screamed; I've cried. He's basically not looking and thinks it's acceptable to just let me be the one to worry about the bills. Not going to happen Emilio.
Ha! Yeah right. That's now how my Seth operates. He called Giant Eagle and set up an interview. They gave him a second interview and told him they would call him. And he sat at home for two days waiting around not applying anywhere. Saturday BD's sent him home after two hours and he didn't apply anywhere before or after. Sunday they sent him home after 1 hour and he didn't apply anywhere before or after. Monday he actually had to work a whole shift; which he whined about how hard it is to be on your feet for 5 hours to someone who has to be on their feet for 8 hours. Didn't bother applying anywhere between school and work. Tuesday no work; done with school by 2pm didn't apply anywhere. Wednesday done with school by noon; didn't bother to apply anywhere (lied to me about applying Andersen's, but there is no way he did it today).
I don't know what to do. I tried asking nicely; I've screamed; I've cried. He's basically not looking and thinks it's acceptable to just let me be the one to worry about the bills. Not going to happen Emilio.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Reaching for the stars
Well for the first time since March, things are looking up.
There I was studying for finals and freaking about how we were going to pay our bills this month and Seth of course pipes up well my student loan money should be here in a couple weeks and it's $1000 minus what I need for textbooks. So of course I'm like $1000 for 3 months? That's only $300 a month and that barely covers your car loan. Well he rolls his eyes and says "Well I'm going to have a job." like how stupid could I get. So after a hour and a shower of stewing over this, I basically freaked out on him. I tried not to be mean, but I let him know that this was unacceptable. How dare he act like I'm stupid to not count on him having a job when he has barely applied anywhere for two months? That it was cruel to make me put the bills on my credit card when I had worked so hard to pay bills when I was in undergrad and that he basically refused to help me at all with school or bills and now he was going to ruin all my hard work paying off my credit card. I said that I just couldn't understand not doing everything possible to find a job when he knew how stressed and upset I was. I told him that part of going for his goal to be a teacher is finding a way to pay for his half of the bills while he was in school. He said nothing and what defense did he have really? He cried too, but I just couldn't feel sorry for him. An hour later he was out picking up applications. I swear within 3 days of this conversation he had a job. He is going to be a griller at Mongolian BBQ. He likes cooking and he gets to eat pretty cheap there, which is a nice benefit. He gets a small cut of the tips and a good minimum wage so I think it will be enough to pretty much cover his half of the bills.
So I have started this couch to 5K program and I am on week 5. I'm doing pretty good and can jog for 5 minutes fairly easily. I can't believe in 4 days I'm going to run 20 minutes straight. It seems daunting. The upside is that it has helped me lose weight fairly easily, I weighed 163.6 a week ago, which is down from my starting weight of 172. I can't wait to weight 162 lbs and 161lbs as it means that I will no longer be obese and also I will be below the weight I got down to in July when I gave up walking. I really hope that I can stick with it and be below 150lbs by the time our vacation. I also hope to run a 5K sometime before school starts.
I tried to get straight A's this quarter and I came so close. I got four A's proper and one B+. My B+ was an 89.6 too and if I had answered one more question on the final right then I would have had an A-, which I count as straight A's. It gave my GPA a boost to 3.43 so hopefully if I get straight A's next quarter that will get me near a 3.5, which is what I'm hoping my GPA will be at the end of my P3 year.
My credit card goal is a total mess. Since we had to use our emergency fund money to pay the bills, while Seth was unemployed when an emergency occurred I had to put it on my credit card. Sancho had to have surgery and while I am so happy he is okay, it cost $600. So now our emergency fund is gone and my credit card debt, which I had gotten down to $900 is now $1400. I want to put summer health insurance on it, but I feel like I will never pay it off. It doesn't help that my computer is still broken, something is wrong with Seth's car, our microwave broke. I want to go to a conference in the fall. The good news is that I got a $1 raise so that's some extra money that I can put towards debt/rebuilding emergency funds. I'm entering like crazy any contest that has money as a prize in hopes that I can win a prize to wipe out my debt.
Also I'm hoping that I can learn a couple crafts this summer. One is tatting, which I'm hoping I can learn to make snowflakes for gifts this Christmas. It would be really cool if I can turn it into a etsy business too. Of course I have been wanting to start a t-shirt business as well. I have a lot of ideas, it's just putting those ideas into action. Another thought is writing a book. I would love it if I made enough money from creative ventures so that I can spend less time at work and more time at home. Also I thought about doing a fitness blog since there is so many 'mom' blogs that I thought a fitness blog would be really marketable. This would be great if I could pair it with a t-shirt business as well and sell fitness related t-shirts. If I am able to have several streams of income coming in then I can use that money to pay off my debt and also bolster my savings. The sooner I save money to cover the bills and Seth's tuition the sooner we can start trying for a baby. My feeling is why not try to do all of these things at once that way I don't get bored if one venture fails then working on others will give me hope.
There I was studying for finals and freaking about how we were going to pay our bills this month and Seth of course pipes up well my student loan money should be here in a couple weeks and it's $1000 minus what I need for textbooks. So of course I'm like $1000 for 3 months? That's only $300 a month and that barely covers your car loan. Well he rolls his eyes and says "Well I'm going to have a job." like how stupid could I get. So after a hour and a shower of stewing over this, I basically freaked out on him. I tried not to be mean, but I let him know that this was unacceptable. How dare he act like I'm stupid to not count on him having a job when he has barely applied anywhere for two months? That it was cruel to make me put the bills on my credit card when I had worked so hard to pay bills when I was in undergrad and that he basically refused to help me at all with school or bills and now he was going to ruin all my hard work paying off my credit card. I said that I just couldn't understand not doing everything possible to find a job when he knew how stressed and upset I was. I told him that part of going for his goal to be a teacher is finding a way to pay for his half of the bills while he was in school. He said nothing and what defense did he have really? He cried too, but I just couldn't feel sorry for him. An hour later he was out picking up applications. I swear within 3 days of this conversation he had a job. He is going to be a griller at Mongolian BBQ. He likes cooking and he gets to eat pretty cheap there, which is a nice benefit. He gets a small cut of the tips and a good minimum wage so I think it will be enough to pretty much cover his half of the bills.
So I have started this couch to 5K program and I am on week 5. I'm doing pretty good and can jog for 5 minutes fairly easily. I can't believe in 4 days I'm going to run 20 minutes straight. It seems daunting. The upside is that it has helped me lose weight fairly easily, I weighed 163.6 a week ago, which is down from my starting weight of 172. I can't wait to weight 162 lbs and 161lbs as it means that I will no longer be obese and also I will be below the weight I got down to in July when I gave up walking. I really hope that I can stick with it and be below 150lbs by the time our vacation. I also hope to run a 5K sometime before school starts.
I tried to get straight A's this quarter and I came so close. I got four A's proper and one B+. My B+ was an 89.6 too and if I had answered one more question on the final right then I would have had an A-, which I count as straight A's. It gave my GPA a boost to 3.43 so hopefully if I get straight A's next quarter that will get me near a 3.5, which is what I'm hoping my GPA will be at the end of my P3 year.
My credit card goal is a total mess. Since we had to use our emergency fund money to pay the bills, while Seth was unemployed when an emergency occurred I had to put it on my credit card. Sancho had to have surgery and while I am so happy he is okay, it cost $600. So now our emergency fund is gone and my credit card debt, which I had gotten down to $900 is now $1400. I want to put summer health insurance on it, but I feel like I will never pay it off. It doesn't help that my computer is still broken, something is wrong with Seth's car, our microwave broke. I want to go to a conference in the fall. The good news is that I got a $1 raise so that's some extra money that I can put towards debt/rebuilding emergency funds. I'm entering like crazy any contest that has money as a prize in hopes that I can win a prize to wipe out my debt.
Also I'm hoping that I can learn a couple crafts this summer. One is tatting, which I'm hoping I can learn to make snowflakes for gifts this Christmas. It would be really cool if I can turn it into a etsy business too. Of course I have been wanting to start a t-shirt business as well. I have a lot of ideas, it's just putting those ideas into action. Another thought is writing a book. I would love it if I made enough money from creative ventures so that I can spend less time at work and more time at home. Also I thought about doing a fitness blog since there is so many 'mom' blogs that I thought a fitness blog would be really marketable. This would be great if I could pair it with a t-shirt business as well and sell fitness related t-shirts. If I am able to have several streams of income coming in then I can use that money to pay off my debt and also bolster my savings. The sooner I save money to cover the bills and Seth's tuition the sooner we can start trying for a baby. My feeling is why not try to do all of these things at once that way I don't get bored if one venture fails then working on others will give me hope.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A little blue today
Well my spring quarter is wrapping up, but I'm feeling a little blue today. It just seems that I've run out of things to hope about. I didn't get the blogger position I applied for so there isn't extra money coming in. Joe hired a replacement for me so I'm not getting an extra day to work. He also had been talking about opening a store with me in West Jefferson, but then turns around and sends me an e-mail talking about how much he will miss me when I graduate.
I just feel that I've run out of steam. My credit card balance is going nowhere. My computer is a dead heap until I get my e-machine cd.
Seth still doesn't have a job yet and he made some talk about applying for some jobs, but I sort of feel like saying come talk to me when you have actually applied. At the rate he is applying for jobs, he is going to be unemployed for another year.
I guess I'm just sad that I'm not going to be a mom for a long time. I wish I had a husband who was willing to work harder to provide for a family. He goes on about how he is going to visit England or build an earthship and it's all I can take not to say, "Well it's never going to happen, because you float through life like a sad sack."
At least he was willing to cancel his big birthday shindig this year. I was expecting a battle on that.
There are so many people out there who treat their children like crap. Why do they get a baby and I don't? I work so hard for what? Anytime I so much gain an inch, life is right there to pull me back. I feel like I'm going nowhere.
I'm going to work two jobs after graduate. For what? To pay the bills and to pay my husband's $$$ tuition so that when he graduates he can be unemployed again, because he is unwilling to actually bust his butt to make sure he is employed. Then I'm going to be working two jobs to pay our student loans and he is going to come up with the genius idea that we should have a baby and he'll watch it. Yeah I can't wait to come home from my second job to find that you spent all day playing Lord of the Rings online while the baby lay in it's crib. Sure you got up and took of it when it cried, you know just after a "minute" just like when I ask you to let the dog out and it's just a "minute" and half an hour later the poor dog is groaning in agony, but he won't get off his fat lazy ass and walk the dog that he begged for and just had to have. And when I use the work 'walk', it's a subjective term, because a walk is to walk it 10 feet from our door and then he yells at the poor thing if he doesn't pee and poo in 3 minutes.
The longer he is unemployed the more I'm questioning, why I married this man? Why would I even consider having children with this man-child? Ever since I found out how expensive his last two years of school are going to be, I've been just getting more angry and depressed. The whole time he talked about going to school, I kept saying and you're going to work and you're going to work. He acted like I was crazy, of course I'm going to work. Well whose crazy now? He is barely applying anywhere and instead is talking about taking out more student loans. Ugh! You are 31 years old! You can't be taking out mad student loans. I feel guilty about the loans I'm going to have and I'm only going to be 31 when I graduate and will be making the salary to back it up. Now you want to rack up $80,000 in student loans and graduate with a teaching degree at 35?
The truth is I do love him. I'm just angry and hurt that he isn't doing everything in his power to help us reach our dreams. I am furious that I have to yet again push back being able to have a baby and yet he isn't doing what he needs to do to put us in a better position. I really resent that he wasn't willing to help finance my education, but basically expects me to cough up the money for him to go to Capitol without him doing anything.
I just feel that I've run out of steam. My credit card balance is going nowhere. My computer is a dead heap until I get my e-machine cd.
Seth still doesn't have a job yet and he made some talk about applying for some jobs, but I sort of feel like saying come talk to me when you have actually applied. At the rate he is applying for jobs, he is going to be unemployed for another year.
I guess I'm just sad that I'm not going to be a mom for a long time. I wish I had a husband who was willing to work harder to provide for a family. He goes on about how he is going to visit England or build an earthship and it's all I can take not to say, "Well it's never going to happen, because you float through life like a sad sack."
At least he was willing to cancel his big birthday shindig this year. I was expecting a battle on that.
There are so many people out there who treat their children like crap. Why do they get a baby and I don't? I work so hard for what? Anytime I so much gain an inch, life is right there to pull me back. I feel like I'm going nowhere.
I'm going to work two jobs after graduate. For what? To pay the bills and to pay my husband's $$$ tuition so that when he graduates he can be unemployed again, because he is unwilling to actually bust his butt to make sure he is employed. Then I'm going to be working two jobs to pay our student loans and he is going to come up with the genius idea that we should have a baby and he'll watch it. Yeah I can't wait to come home from my second job to find that you spent all day playing Lord of the Rings online while the baby lay in it's crib. Sure you got up and took of it when it cried, you know just after a "minute" just like when I ask you to let the dog out and it's just a "minute" and half an hour later the poor dog is groaning in agony, but he won't get off his fat lazy ass and walk the dog that he begged for and just had to have. And when I use the work 'walk', it's a subjective term, because a walk is to walk it 10 feet from our door and then he yells at the poor thing if he doesn't pee and poo in 3 minutes.
The longer he is unemployed the more I'm questioning, why I married this man? Why would I even consider having children with this man-child? Ever since I found out how expensive his last two years of school are going to be, I've been just getting more angry and depressed. The whole time he talked about going to school, I kept saying and you're going to work and you're going to work. He acted like I was crazy, of course I'm going to work. Well whose crazy now? He is barely applying anywhere and instead is talking about taking out more student loans. Ugh! You are 31 years old! You can't be taking out mad student loans. I feel guilty about the loans I'm going to have and I'm only going to be 31 when I graduate and will be making the salary to back it up. Now you want to rack up $80,000 in student loans and graduate with a teaching degree at 35?
The truth is I do love him. I'm just angry and hurt that he isn't doing everything in his power to help us reach our dreams. I am furious that I have to yet again push back being able to have a baby and yet he isn't doing what he needs to do to put us in a better position. I really resent that he wasn't willing to help finance my education, but basically expects me to cough up the money for him to go to Capitol without him doing anything.
Monday, May 18, 2009
My husband the wrecking ball
So here I am actually letting myself be excited that I might finally get to have my dream of having children actually come true. I've been working hard to pay off my credit card debt so that I can start a maternity fund. I started exercising, going to doctors. All the years I worked to get into pharmacy school and actually getting through pharmacy school. I had a countdown page to day that I worked so hard for.
Well what an idiot I am! Of course nothing I ever want actually happens. A romantic proposal? Ha! Nope my idiot boyfriend proposes at my work, and he doesn't even bother to say anything like I don't know, "I love you." or something. "Hey you were going to break up with me if I didn't propose and I don't think I can do better so I bought you this ring. I wish you had let me buy a ring at Kohl's but instead I had to buy an oh so expensive ring that cost almost as much as a computer or a plane ticket to Alaska that I thought nothing of buying myself, but the cost of your engagement ring, I'm going to bitch about for two months. Even though you picked out an engagement ring in a price range that got me laughed out of several stores and I regularly spend more than that on myself in a single day without thinking about it, I'm still going to bitch about how poor I am, because it never occurred to me in the nearly 5 years of dating to actually set some money aside for your ring. Will you marry me?"
So now that I can actually see us trying for children in a little more than 2 years and he comes out with well I'm going for a 5 year program now. Really? You're days away from 31 and you want to do a 5 year program? So of course I'm devastated since it's bad enough that he decided to do this 4 year program. I sort of feel like saying "You know what dude? Too little, too late!". That's the consequences of sitting on your ass for four years and talking about going to school. Too bad there isn't a degree in that as you would have already graduated!
So now the 4 year program is back on as I basically had a melt down. Unfortunately the only 4 year teaching schools are private schools that cost an arm and a leg to go to. Of course this was a complete shock to Seth as he has done zero to none research about his program. Well naturally upon learning this news, he has immediately busted his ass trying to find a job so he can start saving up so money to help pay these expensive two years. Oh wait, he has applied to one job and forgot to pick up an application to another place twice, but he spent about 20 hours playing Lord of the Rings since then. Yeah nearly two months unemployed and he's applied to about 10 places. Ridiculous. You can whine about the economy all you want, but a magic genii isn't about to float down a rainbow and hand you a job on a silver platter. You can't get a job if you aren't applying anywhere. Of course anytime he gets any sort of positive feedback, he takes it as he has gotten the job immediately and stops applying for 3 weeks. I'm sorry, but I've been down this path before with him and it's just laziness. He only applys for a job or two if I nag him and then he stops. I end up resenting and not respecting him, because in my eyes a real man would be doing everything he can to take care of his family and he is just doing enough to get by without me getting mad at him.
Unfortunately we are heading for yet another what I like to call, "Come to Jesus talks" where I basically call him out on his bullshit. He apologizes and changes, which is promising, buuttt then he does something else where it just shows a lack of maturity. Really should I have to point out the obvious, which is you are 30 years old, you need to get a job, you need to apply for jobs to get one? I really shouldn't. You know what, mostly I'm tired. Tired of being the only grownup in the room.
He talks about having a house, a farm, an earthship, kids, but to him it's just talk. I actually want those things and I do everything I can to get it.
Well what an idiot I am! Of course nothing I ever want actually happens. A romantic proposal? Ha! Nope my idiot boyfriend proposes at my work, and he doesn't even bother to say anything like I don't know, "I love you." or something. "Hey you were going to break up with me if I didn't propose and I don't think I can do better so I bought you this ring. I wish you had let me buy a ring at Kohl's but instead I had to buy an oh so expensive ring that cost almost as much as a computer or a plane ticket to Alaska that I thought nothing of buying myself, but the cost of your engagement ring, I'm going to bitch about for two months. Even though you picked out an engagement ring in a price range that got me laughed out of several stores and I regularly spend more than that on myself in a single day without thinking about it, I'm still going to bitch about how poor I am, because it never occurred to me in the nearly 5 years of dating to actually set some money aside for your ring. Will you marry me?"
So now that I can actually see us trying for children in a little more than 2 years and he comes out with well I'm going for a 5 year program now. Really? You're days away from 31 and you want to do a 5 year program? So of course I'm devastated since it's bad enough that he decided to do this 4 year program. I sort of feel like saying "You know what dude? Too little, too late!". That's the consequences of sitting on your ass for four years and talking about going to school. Too bad there isn't a degree in that as you would have already graduated!
So now the 4 year program is back on as I basically had a melt down. Unfortunately the only 4 year teaching schools are private schools that cost an arm and a leg to go to. Of course this was a complete shock to Seth as he has done zero to none research about his program. Well naturally upon learning this news, he has immediately busted his ass trying to find a job so he can start saving up so money to help pay these expensive two years. Oh wait, he has applied to one job and forgot to pick up an application to another place twice, but he spent about 20 hours playing Lord of the Rings since then. Yeah nearly two months unemployed and he's applied to about 10 places. Ridiculous. You can whine about the economy all you want, but a magic genii isn't about to float down a rainbow and hand you a job on a silver platter. You can't get a job if you aren't applying anywhere. Of course anytime he gets any sort of positive feedback, he takes it as he has gotten the job immediately and stops applying for 3 weeks. I'm sorry, but I've been down this path before with him and it's just laziness. He only applys for a job or two if I nag him and then he stops. I end up resenting and not respecting him, because in my eyes a real man would be doing everything he can to take care of his family and he is just doing enough to get by without me getting mad at him.
Unfortunately we are heading for yet another what I like to call, "Come to Jesus talks" where I basically call him out on his bullshit. He apologizes and changes, which is promising, buuttt then he does something else where it just shows a lack of maturity. Really should I have to point out the obvious, which is you are 30 years old, you need to get a job, you need to apply for jobs to get one? I really shouldn't. You know what, mostly I'm tired. Tired of being the only grownup in the room.
He talks about having a house, a farm, an earthship, kids, but to him it's just talk. I actually want those things and I do everything I can to get it.
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