Fall Quarter Over

Well fall quarter is over. It's so weird to me that I only have two quarters of pharmacy school left. Also it's weird that I'm 30 now. I guess I should grow up. Looking forward to my winter break. Hoping that I get a chance to reconnect with Seth. We've had such a rough year and I feel like there is such a distance between us. Yes I have been quite angry with him most of this year. I just realized that he did nothing for my 30th birthday not even a card. It makes me sad that he cares so little for me now that he couldn't be bothered to walk 30 feet from his department and spend $1.05 on me. Even I was able to get him something mostly because a gift card I won arrived.

Maybe it's stupid, but I still think about Josh Bratton often. Growing up I always felt like we were meant to be together and it's weird to me that it didn't work out. It's silly to make so much out of a little girl's crush, but we always got along so well. I used to get such energy just from talking to him. When he broke my heart, I think he really broke my faith in humanity and the world around me. Everything had gone so wrong for me up until that point.

Most people have at least some area that is a comfort for them, but I was so lonely growing up. I had no friends in school; people only spoke to me to make fun of me. My mom would come home everyday and just pick and pick at me; I could never do anything right. I had no talents; I did okay at school, okay at art, okay at sports, but was never really a superstar at anything. No teacher encouraged me, sometimes I would go whole days without even speaking. But even through all that I still had hope; no matter what happened to me I still got up everyday. I can't say I was always happy or smiley, but miserable? No I had dreams and no one could stop me!

But here one of the few who had always been nice to me and I thought cared about me and he used me. Then he was scared to be seen in public with me. I felt so betrayed! The one bright light in my life burned out and my heart grew cold. I got cynical about the world and kind of took a fuck it attitude about everything.

Maybe that's why I married Seth. Sure we have good times, but as far as building a future together? Probably wasn't the best choice. But for the first time in my whole life I had someone who loved me for who I was and I wasn't going to let that go.

So why do I still think about someone who hurt me so much? Maybe because I still want to go back to believing in people? Maybe I still want to have a good pure heart untainted and unphased by the pain that so many had pushed onto it. I feel like I can trust no one. Things are going well between Mom and me; occasionally I still have to remind her that I will not let her put her tear me down anymore like when I was younger, but I think she has finally accepted that. But do I trust her? No, how can I with our history? Even with seeing how loving she is with Evie, I would never let her watch my children alone. What if she hit them or was cruel with them like she was with me? I would kill her; I would absolutely go out of my mind. My husband? He took money out of our savings and claimed it was money he was putting in. He has lied to me so many times that I feel like I can never really count what he is saying as the truth.

Well I didn't mean to get into a diatribe on how everyone is mean to me. Poor, poor me. Lately I've been so angry at everyone lately and that isn't like me. I guess even I have my limits and a person can only take watching the dreams they worked so hard for slip away again and again. But I will once again wash away the disappointment and the hate and once again will I rise up and resist my fate. Hope is born again and despite what everyone is telling me, I believe that I can do anything. So no more anger and cruelty. Calm, kind, gracious Kelly will be born again. No longer will I let others behavior rule mine.