Getting what I want

There's a new Kelly in town. This new Kelly gets what she wants. A new car? Sure thing. A baby? Absolutely.

Yep unless I get a job offer before then we are going to start trying in January. Very exciting stuff! Now it sounds crazy to start trying earlier when you don't have a job. But there it is. I just want to and can't wait any longer.

As Seth put it, if you are going to be underemployed then you might as well be pregnant. Otherwise I'm going to have all this downtime going to waste when it would be a perfect setup for a new mom.

Plus I'll be in my grace period for my student loans so I won't have that dragging me down.

Now it will be very tight, but maybe Seth can get some extra loans.

So tomorrow I have to go get prenatals.

Of course if I find a full time job before getting knocked up then the old plan still stands. And I'm going to try very hard to find a new job.

hoop jumper

So I bust my tail working on a grant proposal and Dr. Rodis is pissed because I didn't take notes during our discussion. WTF? Why do you care?

Second I get to the poison center and the new hire is all over my butt if I applied for jobs. No I didn't have time I was at the poison center all weekend, thank you very much!

Sigh is everyone up my ass or what? I feel like no matter what I do, I fail. No one is happy with anything. So I just give up. I have done the right thing; I've jumped through all the hoops put in front of me. For what? For nothing that's right nothing. I get nothing out of it. Oh sure they dangle this hope in front of you, but after jumping through all these hoops, I've got nothing. Oh sorry you graduated in the wrong place and the wrong year. You should have known that six years ago.

I don't even want much. My dream is to own my own house and have children. But it is time to let even simple dreams go. I will never be in a position to have children, I will never be able to afford our own home. It will always be a struggle to pay off this massive school debt, I've incurred for nothing.

I have no chance of being hired at this point. At best I will work for Joe for 7 hours a week and the rest at some menial job. Hopefully I'll make enough to pay my half of the bills and my student loan.

Why was I even born? To suffer mildly. Well does my suffering amuse you, God? All I want is a baby. I just want a baby and it kills me that I will never have one.

Anytime we get some money, it immediately vanishes into the void. The washer breaks, my car is broken into, my laptop is dying, our dryer catches on fire, a car is towed, our tax refund is taken to pay off some of Seth's debt.

I'm just done. I have fought the good fight, but for now I quit. I don't believe in good anymore. There is no sense in hoping things will get better they never will. Life is cruel and must just be endured. So I will endure and not hope anymore. Things will never get better, they will be bleak for all time. I've have given it my all and tried my best, but all I am is tired and broken hearted.