Bleak and dark and depressed

I had a dream that I was pregnant last night and I was so disappointed when I woke up. Really I've been depressed ever since. I'm hoping we can try in 2 years and 7 months, but that is so far away and honestly, I don't want to wait anymore. Not a year, not 6 months, not 1 month; I want to try now even if it's completely stupid. I've been waiting too long as it is; everyone else gets to have a baby except me.

I always give up everything that I want; I sacrifice all the time in hope for the greater good. Well what has that brought me? I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, I don't have anything to show for it. My life will always be a shit-hole so I might as well get what I want.

But then I think of how difficult our already horrible lives will be with a baby in and I know it makes sense to wait, but it's just so damn hard. I hate all women who are pregnant or have babies or small children and especially women who have several children. I hate women who are unmarried and pregnant or get pregnant by men they barely know or pregnant by men whom they are in a shitty relationship with.

There is a hole in my life right now. I know a baby won't fix things, but I know nothing in my life ever comes easy for me so I just know that we are going to face infertility too so the longer we wait; the longer we get to find out what our problems are and the less likely we will be able to overcome them. So not only will it take us 3 years to try, but I wonder how many months and years and miscarriages we will have to face before we even actually have a baby.

I keep counting down the years and months until we finally get to try and I think of all the Christmases and birthdays and Halloweens that we get to see our friends celebrate with their kids while we go without even a possibility of having one of our own and I feel like I can't breathe.

I'm never going to have children of my own. I'm at the bottom of a mountain looking up and if I reach the top we get to have a baby, but every time I start climbing up something or someone comes a long and pushes me right back down to the bottom. So I will always be here looking up and longing for a place that I fear I will never get to.