I'm sitting here in my Mom's house. Haven't talked to Seth since yesterday evening. I kind of feel like we need a few days apart anyways. I'll see if he calls me, but I'm not going to call him. He got a job that is giving him hours and he is finally seeing how tough it is to work and go to school. He always kind of wrote me off when I was doing it, but it's tough. Now he is talking about quitting school to work at Giant Eagle full time. I guess when the going gets tough he quits.

We overdrew our account again. It kind of ticks me off that he doesn't put any money in the joint account and then turns around and spends $7 on a lunch for himself out of my money. Then he is all oh well I transferred a bunch of money in and I was like yeah you transfer enough money in to pay a bill; you didn't transfer any extra to pay for $7 lunches. Also how does he have an extra $150 laying around?

It just really sucks that I put my whole paycheck in the joint to pay bills and he puts his check in his individual account and transfer some over at his leisure. So I feel like I never know if I can count on his half of the bills. Of course when I called him out on this bullshit; he pipes up but I was gonna put my next checks into the joint account. Yeah I have a feeling you came to that decision the second I called you all pissed about you not putting money into the joint, but feeling free to spend it.

I feel so lost right now. I'm still pissed about his recent stint of unemployment, but it's like this pattern with him that has now become so obvious to me now. I thought he had changed, but it is so clear to me know that he hasn't changed. He still that guy who wouldn't do what it takes; who would rather just sit and let life happen to him. He talks and talks about all these things he is going to do, but never actually does them. He will only take action if I get angry with him and demand that he does so and then he makes some effort, but it's more to get me off his back then to move us towards our goals.

First year we dated he was unemployed and he barely applied anywhere and I can't even guess how many times, I heard the words "I think I have a job". While we dating, he makes this big announcement that he is going back to school. He tells his family, my family, friends and then he wouldn't go. I like my job is what he would say. But if his dad tried to advance his career then it was no, no I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. Then after dating for years, we start to talk about getting married and he makes a big announcement to our friends that he is going to buy a ring with his next paycheck and propose. Months go by and no proposal, no sign he is saving for a proposal and I start to think that it's time to leave. I always felt that if you dated someone for 5 years without an engagement or marriage that there was a reason for that. So my brother proposes to his girlfriend of a year and made the announcement to all my aunts, which is what I was picturing that summer he was supposed to propose. So I was hurt and angry that he didn't do what he shouted to a whole group of people and instead of getting my moment it went to someone else who in my mind didn't deserve it. So he is all uh-oh she's mad better scrape up a ring quick and even tried to blame it on me that I hadn't shown him rings I wanted, which was a lie as I had shown him several. So he tells me he is going to propose on my birthday; way to keep it a surprise fool. So he makes the lamest proposal in the history in the world. He put no thought into the proposal and bitched constantly about my ring's cost; very much a I don't want to do this, but this will shut you up. But things seem to get better and I put away my disappointment in my proposal. So we get married and I start to think of the future buying a house, having children and my husband should want to help me obtain these things by either advancing his career or returning to school. After asking him to make a decision, which was met by angry insolence; I finally talked to him again and he made the decision to go to school. But you have to work also. Yeah, yeah he says not really caring; it's school; it's fun like a vacation right. So he goes to school and it's a wake up call that it isn't fun and games. Well why should he have to work and go to school when we have these savings that he can use. So he doesn't really apply to many jobs unless I yell at him then suddenly he applied to a couple jobs.

So now he is going to school and working and I should be happy, but instead I'm left feeling like I just can't count on him. Do I really want to tie myself down further with a man who only wants to work a dead-end job, refuses to save any money, considers my money to be ours to share and his money to be used as he likes? The thing is I can't say what our future holds; I still willing to work on our marriage, but I just can't be the only one in this. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that we just aren't going to last. I've managed to drag him along this far, but I just don't have the energy to keep propelling us forward; I need him to help me; I need him to decide what he wants.

And crashing back down to Earth

So Seth's job is basically worthless. They only schedule him 15 hours and he only gets to work 8 of them as they send him home shortly after he arrives for his shift. He knows this is not working so he starting applying immediately.

Ha! Yeah right. That's now how my Seth operates. He called Giant Eagle and set up an interview. They gave him a second interview and told him they would call him. And he sat at home for two days waiting around not applying anywhere. Saturday BD's sent him home after two hours and he didn't apply anywhere before or after. Sunday they sent him home after 1 hour and he didn't apply anywhere before or after. Monday he actually had to work a whole shift; which he whined about how hard it is to be on your feet for 5 hours to someone who has to be on their feet for 8 hours. Didn't bother applying anywhere between school and work. Tuesday no work; done with school by 2pm didn't apply anywhere. Wednesday done with school by noon; didn't bother to apply anywhere (lied to me about applying Andersen's, but there is no way he did it today).

I don't know what to do. I tried asking nicely; I've screamed; I've cried. He's basically not looking and thinks it's acceptable to just let me be the one to worry about the bills. Not going to happen Emilio.