It's over

Well my marriage is over. Seth told me he wanted a divorce on Dec 4th at midnight. I cried a lot. I still can't believe it's all over. I really did my best to make it work, but the lying, the irresponsibility, the fact that I could never really rely or trust him. It was just so hard. Hard to drag him kicking and screaming each step towards adulthood.

Of course there is another girl in the picture. Nice. Of course his cheating is justified in his mind. When people cheat on him that's bad. But when he cheats on me it's okay, because he already decided to divorce me.

I really believe that in about 6 months he is going to kick himself in the ass. See it helped when someone did the grocery shopping, made dinner most nights, paid the bills, kept him on track. He's got a very stressful semester coming up, he can't take any time off work, because he is going to be paying more in bills.

I'm sure he thinks this other girl is going to be wonderful and it will be different. But hey I'm sure like most girls she is going to want to get married and have kids at some point. I'm sure she will want help paying the bills if you move in together. She probably will want you to get a job and not just lay around playing video games all day. Sure it's easy and fun now, because there is no responsibilities involved, but I'm sure the same old problems will arise.

After 7 and 1/2 years together to not even work on things. I know he's lazy, but come on? All these times he said "I love you" and he was lying. It was like I never really knew him.

I thought he was at least decent person, but I guess not. And he is all hurt that I said I would never call him if I needed help. Why would I? I could barely get you to help me when we were married and I'm sure not going to ask for help now that we are separated.

I just want to move on. I have my pets. I'm making plans on what to do with my new life. I'm going to try and get help for my social anxiety and see if I can get out more in the world.

I doing okay, better than I thought. I guess never realized how much stress he was putting me through. Never knowing what was going to happen next. I feel sad that I will never be able to look over the past 8 years without this coloring my whole experience.

I'm sad that even if I meet a guy and it gets serious, I'll have this baggage. If we have kids, I have to explain that mommy was married before. I never really cared for divorce guys,because I always felt that if they could get married and couldn't work it out that there must be something wrong with them. Is that how all guys will see me?

Plus I'm not the prettiest girl in the world; I've already looked online to date and mostly every guy is a total loser. Who knows if I'll ever find someone again anyways. And even if I did I'm 31. I have to meet someone, date someone long enough to decide to marry them, get married try and have a kid. I pretty much have 0% chance of having a kid before 35. I really, really want to be a mom. It tears me up that I probably will never get to be a mom.

I guess I just have to find some purpose in life. I'm trying to stay positive and trying to move on the best I can.