A fresh start

So it's been a long time since I've written. Since December I've horribly depressed. The shock wore off and I just cried constantly. Cried while driving to and from my rotations. Cried at rotations. Cried at supermarket. Cried in bed. Cried in the shower. Cried in the bathroom. Cried, cried, cried. My neighbors I'm sure think that I'm crazy, because for 3 months I almost always cried while walking Fritz.

Yet I'm proud too. Despite above I have been accomplishing things as well.

First I made it through 2 more rotations and am working on my last one. I've made some real progress on my project and am almost done with it for good.

I bought a new car. It's a 2010 Nissan Versa. It's silver and shiny. It has automatic locks. It has some real pick up and go. It's the cutest car ever! And I almost owe less on it than Seth's 2005 Scion. I will probably pay it off sooner than he will his too.

I applied for legal aid and they assigned me a lawyer since if I waited for Seth to start things, we will probably still be married by the time our 5th anniversary. I filled out and sent in the paperwork last week. This week I will hear back from him about finishing things up so that we can send it in. Hoping Seth will get served in 2 1/2 weeks and our divorce hearing will take place by early June.

I joined 2 groups on meetup.com and as a result I've been slowly working on getting out of the house. It's hard because my schedule changes so much due to rotations. But I keep plugging away at meeting new people. I keep suggesting outings with other people and one classmate has been so kind and keeps inviting to parties with others.

I started counseling and the counselor has a treatment plan to help me get better at relationships. He is having me work on my self esteem. He even said that I will probably notice a huge difference in my life in a couple months, which sounds wonderful.

I finally pulled myself together long enough to get serious about the job hunt. Crazy but I'm getting tons of interest. I'm hoping Walgreens makes me an offer on Tuesday.

It means that I will have to move to St. Louis, Missouri, but that actually seems pretty promising. Their district sounds great. The weather will be slightly warmer. My aunt is moving down to that same area. Stephanie's family is from there too and they are planning a visit to the area in December. I guess the city is really revitalizing and it has one of the largest populations of young graduates. I checked dating ads for the area and it sounds very promising. All and all it sounds like a fantastic place for me to get a fresh start.

Plus I'm working on my appearance. Dressing nicer. Learning to style my hair. I bought one of those fancy hair straighteners and it really works to get my hair super straight and not so frizzy. I've got some diet books and I just need to sit down and get what I need. In the mean time I've figured out a healthy breakfast to eat and generally eat healthy for lunch. I've been running bit more when the weather cooperates. I also plan to sign up for yoga classes and to get back into lifting weights. I'm going to try to run a 5k at the end of the month and I plan to run a 3 mile obstacle course in June. Need to think of a costume for it too. I plan to weight 139lbs by graduation in June.

I'm learning not to be so hard on myself. I try to take things one step at a time. I'm slowly improving myself over time and I'm slowly changing myself.

I'm not ready to date yet. I'm not sure if I ever will be. I friended Josh on facebook, but not sure if that was a mistake. I think he likes someone else or at least she seems interested in him since she comments on just about everything posts. Maybe this is just magical thinking, but after I friended him, he posted a ton of who, who wants to do this with me posts? Which he hasn't since then. Oh and I posted a just hanging out at home bored post and he posted something similar like an hour later.

Buuuut he is the same jerk face that ducked down in a movie theater once so people in our class wouldn't see him and that he was with me. You know since I wasn't cool enough. Wouldn't I rather start over with someone new? Someone who was worth my time and attention?

But right now I'm just focusing on myself.

It's over

Well my marriage is over. Seth told me he wanted a divorce on Dec 4th at midnight. I cried a lot. I still can't believe it's all over. I really did my best to make it work, but the lying, the irresponsibility, the fact that I could never really rely or trust him. It was just so hard. Hard to drag him kicking and screaming each step towards adulthood.

Of course there is another girl in the picture. Nice. Of course his cheating is justified in his mind. When people cheat on him that's bad. But when he cheats on me it's okay, because he already decided to divorce me.

I really believe that in about 6 months he is going to kick himself in the ass. See it helped when someone did the grocery shopping, made dinner most nights, paid the bills, kept him on track. He's got a very stressful semester coming up, he can't take any time off work, because he is going to be paying more in bills.

I'm sure he thinks this other girl is going to be wonderful and it will be different. But hey I'm sure like most girls she is going to want to get married and have kids at some point. I'm sure she will want help paying the bills if you move in together. She probably will want you to get a job and not just lay around playing video games all day. Sure it's easy and fun now, because there is no responsibilities involved, but I'm sure the same old problems will arise.

After 7 and 1/2 years together to not even work on things. I know he's lazy, but come on? All these times he said "I love you" and he was lying. It was like I never really knew him.

I thought he was at least decent person, but I guess not. And he is all hurt that I said I would never call him if I needed help. Why would I? I could barely get you to help me when we were married and I'm sure not going to ask for help now that we are separated.

I just want to move on. I have my pets. I'm making plans on what to do with my new life. I'm going to try and get help for my social anxiety and see if I can get out more in the world.

I doing okay, better than I thought. I guess never realized how much stress he was putting me through. Never knowing what was going to happen next. I feel sad that I will never be able to look over the past 8 years without this coloring my whole experience.

I'm sad that even if I meet a guy and it gets serious, I'll have this baggage. If we have kids, I have to explain that mommy was married before. I never really cared for divorce guys,because I always felt that if they could get married and couldn't work it out that there must be something wrong with them. Is that how all guys will see me?

Plus I'm not the prettiest girl in the world; I've already looked online to date and mostly every guy is a total loser. Who knows if I'll ever find someone again anyways. And even if I did I'm 31. I have to meet someone, date someone long enough to decide to marry them, get married try and have a kid. I pretty much have 0% chance of having a kid before 35. I really, really want to be a mom. It tears me up that I probably will never get to be a mom.

I guess I just have to find some purpose in life. I'm trying to stay positive and trying to move on the best I can.

Is my marriage over?

Seth has been ignoring me for weeks. I don't know what is going on. He won't talk to me. He doesn't touch me. Maybe he is sleeping with someone else. Fucking Crystal Meth.

I feel like it's always such a struggle for us. Maybe he never loved me anyways. Just settled for me, because he didn't think he could get anyone else. Now that I've helped rebuild his self esteem; he's going to dump me for someone else.

I think about killing myself all the time. I tried to live life. I really tried. But everyone just rejects me and I'm miserable all the time. So what's the point of still trying?

I just don't get him. He's so selfish. He drops me as soon as anyone else wants him.

Maybe I'll just get a hotel for a few days and take a break from everything. Take stock of my life. I don't have to worry about money for kids or a house or anything since I have husband who doesn't even notice that I exist.

Getting what I want

There's a new Kelly in town. This new Kelly gets what she wants. A new car? Sure thing. A baby? Absolutely.

Yep unless I get a job offer before then we are going to start trying in January. Very exciting stuff! Now it sounds crazy to start trying earlier when you don't have a job. But there it is. I just want to and can't wait any longer.

As Seth put it, if you are going to be underemployed then you might as well be pregnant. Otherwise I'm going to have all this downtime going to waste when it would be a perfect setup for a new mom.

Plus I'll be in my grace period for my student loans so I won't have that dragging me down.

Now it will be very tight, but maybe Seth can get some extra loans.

So tomorrow I have to go get prenatals.

Of course if I find a full time job before getting knocked up then the old plan still stands. And I'm going to try very hard to find a new job.

hoop jumper

So I bust my tail working on a grant proposal and Dr. Rodis is pissed because I didn't take notes during our discussion. WTF? Why do you care?

Second I get to the poison center and the new hire is all over my butt if I applied for jobs. No I didn't have time I was at the poison center all weekend, thank you very much!

Sigh is everyone up my ass or what? I feel like no matter what I do, I fail. No one is happy with anything. So I just give up. I have done the right thing; I've jumped through all the hoops put in front of me. For what? For nothing that's right nothing. I get nothing out of it. Oh sure they dangle this hope in front of you, but after jumping through all these hoops, I've got nothing. Oh sorry you graduated in the wrong place and the wrong year. You should have known that six years ago.

I don't even want much. My dream is to own my own house and have children. But it is time to let even simple dreams go. I will never be in a position to have children, I will never be able to afford our own home. It will always be a struggle to pay off this massive school debt, I've incurred for nothing.

I have no chance of being hired at this point. At best I will work for Joe for 7 hours a week and the rest at some menial job. Hopefully I'll make enough to pay my half of the bills and my student loan.

Why was I even born? To suffer mildly. Well does my suffering amuse you, God? All I want is a baby. I just want a baby and it kills me that I will never have one.

Anytime we get some money, it immediately vanishes into the void. The washer breaks, my car is broken into, my laptop is dying, our dryer catches on fire, a car is towed, our tax refund is taken to pay off some of Seth's debt.

I'm just done. I have fought the good fight, but for now I quit. I don't believe in good anymore. There is no sense in hoping things will get better they never will. Life is cruel and must just be endured. So I will endure and not hope anymore. Things will never get better, they will be bleak for all time. I've have given it my all and tried my best, but all I am is tired and broken hearted.

A Little Blue

I'm a little blue tonight. I went with Mom to take Evie to the zoo tonight. She is such a sweet little girl that I just felt sad. How I would love for her to be mine.

We are so, so, so fucking broke. It's no joke. I don't know what we're going to do this month. I'm not tapping into my savings. Nah I've bailed us out too many times to count. Seth spending his financial aid money likes it going out of style. So {YAWN} let him figure it out this time.

He wants to go on a trip to Alaska. I say okay, but we need to save money. Said it for months. Finally set up an account. He wants to go soon. I say okay, but you need to put money in there. Has he? No. Will he? Probably not. Then I'm not going to bother either jack and if he thinks our tax refund is going to pay for it. Sorry my half is going towards my car. Oh yes I did say half. I'm not blowing my tax refund on his brother for the 2nd year in a row. If it means no Alaska trip, oh nooos. Sure I'd love to go too, but if you can't be bothered to put aside any extra well I'm not going to stress out about it. Got too much on my plate to care.

Car is in shambles. Still runs though. Someone actually broke into it. Really amazed someone took the effort. No car radio. Need to get back window replaced. Husband's crazy ex-coworker slashed his tire. Tv broke.

Got my credit card balance onto a 0% credit card until December. Minimum payment went up. Not sure if I can swing it with my current salary. May not be able to put aside a monthly savings amount since I can't work much.

Christmas bonus probably cancelled. One of the few benefits about that place. Not sure who he thinks is going to work their ass off for 8.00 an hour with no benefits.

Sure would be nice to catch a break once in awhile. I would like to win $50,000 in the lottery this week. Make it so, God.

Still annoyed!

This is dumb, but I woke up today annoyed about something that doesn't even matter anymore. I can't believe that when we were discussing wedding dates and I mentioned us wanting to get married and June 2009. Then Stephanie gets engaged and what is the first thing she does? Sets a date a month before the date we are talking about. So rude.

But you know what? We moved our wedding date up and everything worked out fine. So why am I still annoyed? Blah!