A little blue today

Well my spring quarter is wrapping up, but I'm feeling a little blue today. It just seems that I've run out of things to hope about. I didn't get the blogger position I applied for so there isn't extra money coming in. Joe hired a replacement for me so I'm not getting an extra day to work. He also had been talking about opening a store with me in West Jefferson, but then turns around and sends me an e-mail talking about how much he will miss me when I graduate.

I just feel that I've run out of steam. My credit card balance is going nowhere. My computer is a dead heap until I get my e-machine cd.

Seth still doesn't have a job yet and he made some talk about applying for some jobs, but I sort of feel like saying come talk to me when you have actually applied. At the rate he is applying for jobs, he is going to be unemployed for another year.

I guess I'm just sad that I'm not going to be a mom for a long time. I wish I had a husband who was willing to work harder to provide for a family. He goes on about how he is going to visit England or build an earthship and it's all I can take not to say, "Well it's never going to happen, because you float through life like a sad sack."

At least he was willing to cancel his big birthday shindig this year. I was expecting a battle on that.

There are so many people out there who treat their children like crap. Why do they get a baby and I don't? I work so hard for what? Anytime I so much gain an inch, life is right there to pull me back. I feel like I'm going nowhere.

I'm going to work two jobs after graduate. For what? To pay the bills and to pay my husband's $$$ tuition so that when he graduates he can be unemployed again, because he is unwilling to actually bust his butt to make sure he is employed. Then I'm going to be working two jobs to pay our student loans and he is going to come up with the genius idea that we should have a baby and he'll watch it. Yeah I can't wait to come home from my second job to find that you spent all day playing Lord of the Rings online while the baby lay in it's crib. Sure you got up and took of it when it cried, you know just after a "minute" just like when I ask you to let the dog out and it's just a "minute" and half an hour later the poor dog is groaning in agony, but he won't get off his fat lazy ass and walk the dog that he begged for and just had to have. And when I use the work 'walk', it's a subjective term, because a walk is to walk it 10 feet from our door and then he yells at the poor thing if he doesn't pee and poo in 3 minutes.

The longer he is unemployed the more I'm questioning, why I married this man? Why would I even consider having children with this man-child? Ever since I found out how expensive his last two years of school are going to be, I've been just getting more angry and depressed. The whole time he talked about going to school, I kept saying and you're going to work and you're going to work. He acted like I was crazy, of course I'm going to work. Well whose crazy now? He is barely applying anywhere and instead is talking about taking out more student loans. Ugh! You are 31 years old! You can't be taking out mad student loans. I feel guilty about the loans I'm going to have and I'm only going to be 31 when I graduate and will be making the salary to back it up. Now you want to rack up $80,000 in student loans and graduate with a teaching degree at 35?

The truth is I do love him. I'm just angry and hurt that he isn't doing everything in his power to help us reach our dreams. I am furious that I have to yet again push back being able to have a baby and yet he isn't doing what he needs to do to put us in a better position. I really resent that he wasn't willing to help finance my education, but basically expects me to cough up the money for him to go to Capitol without him doing anything.